Confessions of a Beauty Editor

CONFESSIONS OF A BEAUTY EDITOR:

I’M OVER SUPER LONG HAIR

by Liz Franz

Just to be clear, Gisele Bundchen, Jemima Kirke and Blake Lively (and you, if you’re in possession of a similarly envy-inducing head of perfect, thick, lustrous locks sent from heaven) are exempt from this rant.

Your hair is not going out of style, ever. Lucky.

To be completely honest and fair, maybe I’m not exactly over super long hair. Maybe that was going a little overboard. I mean, I’d kill to have a Jessa Johansson mane sprouting out of my head. Wouldn’t most women?

It’s this kinda thing to the right I have a problem with.

Yeah, that.

The head of blatantly faux, awkwardly waist-grazing barrel curls that looks like it's supposed to be part of a Paris-Hilton-circa-2003 Halloween costume.

The kind of coif that looks like it weighs about 10 pounds.

That, my friends, is to regular human hair what rows of shark fangs are to human teeth.

It scares me.

Just so you know, I do fully advocate a well-done set of extensions—one that’s been installed with some kind of regard for reality. One that doesn’t make me wonder if inordinately long, fake hair has become the new overly-injected puffer fish face for all the “why?” it begs. (I know you know what I’m talking about.)

I actually had hair extensions at one point; it was about 6 or 7 years ago, if I remember right.

They weren’t crazily long, as my existing hair to be extended fell just above my shoulders.

They looked pretty good, or so I thought. People would often compliment me on my hair, at which point I’d inform them it wasn’t real. (I’m awkward like that. I mean, in retrospect, a simple “thank you” would have been fine, right? Whatever.)

Back then, hair extensions weren’t really all that common. Women had them, sure, but it’s not like your average straight male would in any way be aware of them as a “thing” … let alone suspect their presence.

Unless, of course, one of the extensions were to come loose in one’s sleep and like, land on a dude's pillow or something. (Yeahhhh.)

“What is that?”

“One of my hair extensions.”

“You have hair extensions?”

“What do you mean, ‘you have hair extensions?’ Of course I have hair extensions. There’s one of ‘em.”

“Cool. Should we, um, pack it in ice or something?”

Can you just imagine?

But I digress.

Extensions have come a long way since 2005. Most hair experts now agree that wefts—those long strips of hair that are taped in or sewn on in one swoop—are superior to the individual bonded pieces I had in that they provide a more natural look and shouldn’t put you in any embarrassing quandaries.

The thing is, some wefts are too long, so they need to be cut. Actually, virtually any weft is going to need to be cut in order to blend properly with your real hair and look believable.

And, sometimes, one weft is enough. Sometimes, 3 wefts is two wefts too many, because often times, weft overkill looks—how should I put this?—horrid. (See also: that photo.)

Look. I realize it took me all of two breaths to inform you that I’m over super long hair and that I’d kill for Jessa’s tresses. (HBO, are you listening to me? Now you know what to name your Girls-themed line of hair products. You're welcome.)

And could I have hair that long if I wanted to pay for it? Of course. But maybe there’s a reason I can’t get my hair to grow much past my shoulder blades.

Maybe I wouldn’t look good with hair I could sit on.

Maybe, when it comes to hair, nature just inherently knows what it’s doing.

Maybe nature deserves a little respect.

Getting back to what I said before, I’m down with well-done extensions. I admit that “well-done extensions” are a subjective thing, too.

And finally, I’m hardly audacious enough to pretend that my opinion on the above photo is going to stop you from getting fairy tale-heroine hair sewn to your head, if fairy tale-heroine hair is what you’re into.

I just think it looks ridiculous, is all. That’s really it.

Article posted 12/10/2012.

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